Reclaiming Connection: Tips for helping our kids connect in a screen-obsessed world
Watch a group of teens on the subway, at a bus stop, or hanging out with their mates, and you’re likely see the same scene: everyone lined up side by side, heads down, hunched over and their eyes fixed on their screens. ‘Connected,’ but not truly connected.
If you’re anything like me, you don’t want to lose your preteen to that world and so you may have made the brave, intentional choice to delay. Well done!
But for those of us taking this path, the golden question remains: how do we help our preteen or teen live, belong, and connect in a world where everyone else seems glued to a screen?
In this article, we’ll explore what happens when our kids are the only ones off screens — and share practical ways to help them navigate it.
Taking the Lead
A few weeks ago, on Halloween, we hosted my 11-year-old daughter’s first sleepover. She is the only one in her friend group without a phone or social media account, so I knew I would have to manage the night carefully.
Thanks to my work in psychology I’m acutely aware of what can happen when phones and sleepovers mix. I constantly hear stories of what can go wrong when preteens and teens use phones and devices unsupervised late at night. Problematic photos, bullying in group chats and exposure to inappropriate content (often without consent).
I also knew all too well how the presence of phones could subtly changes the tone of the night. It was a fast-track to fracturing any kind of deeper connection. Girls turning to TikTok dances instead of board games, selfies and makeup tutorials instead of conversation and fun. Screens, as they’re called, quite literally put a screen between our girls.
So I made a decision. I wrote to the other mums:
“I hope you’re all well. The girls are so excited for the sleepover. I know they have phones, but I’d love to keep this a screen-free night. I want to make it as fun and connected as possible for the girls. We have a landline in the living room where the girls are sleeping so they are free to call you anytime they want! ”
The truth is some of my daughter’s friends were unhappy about it at first, and they told my daughter as much. But the parents were relieved, no phones came through the door, and by the end of the night the girls had squeezed in trick-or-treating, painting, movies, hairstyling, dancing, and a whole lot of laughter. The girls used my phone to take photos to capture the best part of the night (which later they handed back to me).
They left with some core memories and I was so glad I (boldly) set the limit I did.
When it’s out of our hands
That experience reminded me how much can change when we take the lead. But it also made me think about the many times we don’t have that control — when our kids are guests in someone else’s home, or part of a group where the norms are different.
A few days later, we went to a BBQ with family friends. There were four other kids there. After about an hour, I noticed my daughters hanging more with the adults — which I didn’t mind — but I casually suggested they go and join the kids. They looked at me and said, “It’s too hard, mum. They’re on their phones.”
I didn’t intervene or turn it into a lesson in the moment. Later that evening, we talked about it. My girls shared that they wished the other parents had asked everyone to put their phones down. That comment stuck with me.
When I shared the story on my Instagram this week, I saw just how deeply it resonated with so many parents. I received dozens of messages.
What We Can Do
We can’t control every social environment our kids walk into, but we can prepare them for it — and show them that they aren’t alone in wanting something different.
1. Acknowledge their insight & educate them
When my eldest daughter said, “God, it’s so annoying. It’s like they all like zombies” I told her, “Yeah, I get that. You’re seeing again how phones and social media are designed to pull us in.” By teaching our kids how phones are designed and how they impact our brains we are showing them that technology is the issue, not the kids themselves.
2. Acknowledge the difficulty.
We also need to recognise how genuinely hard this situation is for kids. These are years when friendships are fundamental. They need it like they need food and water, yet so much of that connection is interrupted by screens. You might say, “I see how hard it is. You want to connect, but the phones are really getting in the way. I feel that too sometimes even with adults.”
3. Build social confidence.
Sometimes kids turn to their phones because it can simply feel awkward to connect face to face - especially if the other kids are new. So practice a few conversation starters together — things like, “What kind of stuff are you into?” or “What school do you go to?” or “When did you move here?” These small tools can help them feel more prepared going into a new social group.
4. Bring connection tools.
Think ahead and get your kids to prepare to take something to do as backup. For younger tweens, that might mean bringing slime, card games, or skipping ropes. For older ones, it might be a ball, some music, or a board game. Not only can that help open the door to real interaction but it can also be a fall back if they simply can’t convince other kids to put their phones/tech down.
5. Co-create device-free norms with other parents.
In a recent survey with parents I asked 300 parents, “do you think parents should help and guide kids in these kinds of situations?” and 98% said yes. Before social events we can always say to other parents, “Who’s up for keeping this a device-free hangout?” During the event we can suggest a game or try and round up parents to get the kids off devices and connecting. When adults share the load, no one parent feels like the strict one.
6. Find like-minded families.
More and more families are choosing to delay phones and rebuild real-life community. Finding and connecting with these families can make a world of difference — not just for us, but for our kids who need to see that they’re not the only ones. We need our kids to see regularly what face to face connection looks like.
7. Model attention with the adults.
Kids are attuned to adult energy. If adults are half-distracted by notifications, the unspoken rule becomes that attention is optional. Kids feel that. As parents when we stay present and put our phones away it quietly sets the tone. You can even consider having a phone basket as everyone comes in — for adults too. It might take a bit of explaining at first, but it sends the message that “connection is valued here”.
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One of the most meaningful parts of my work is hearing what’s happening for families around the world. If this resonates with you, if you’re navigating something similar, or if you’d simply like to share your story, I’d love to hear from you.
📧 fiona@motheringgirls.com
📱 Instagram: @motheringgirls
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