Why our preteens are so influenced online - and what we can do about it.

Have you ever overheard your preteen or teen talk about a YouTuber as though they were their bestie; telling you what they had for breakfast or what they were doing this weekend?

What our kid are experiencing are parasocial relationships - and yes, they can feel surprisingly real.

In this blog I explore parasocial relationships, examine why they have such a pull on young people, and how can we, as parents and carers, can respond with both understanding and guidance to help them navigate them safely.

What Are Parasocial Relationships?

The term parasocial goes back to the 1950s, when researchers noticed people were becoming emotionally attached to TV personalities. Fast forward to today’s world of social media, and these relationships are more intense and more personal than ever.

Our preteens might:

• Talk about their favourite creator like they’re a close friend.

• Defend them online or feel let down when they make a mistake.

• Copy their speech, style, or opinions.

• Turn to them for advice, comfort, or even a sense of identity.

These connections can feel very real - even though of course - they’re entirely one-sided.

When I was growing up in the '80s, I remember having my own version of parasocial connections.

I’d flip through Dolly Magazine, hang up posters of Edward Furlong and follow Madonna’s life. But those relationships had distance - we weren’t watching them eat breakfast, cry on camera, or respond to fans in real time. Today’s kids experience a whole new level of closeness. Thanks to livestreams, vlogs, and constant updates, it feels like they’re actually part of a creator’s life. The line between fan and friend is blurry in a way we never had to navigate.

Why Are Kids So Influenced?

1. They’re wired to connect.
Children and teens are naturally curious about who they are and where they fit in. When a creator shares personal stories or talks directly into the camera, it can feel like they’re talking to them, not at them.

2. Influencers feel more “real” than celebrities.
They’re not on red carpets - they’re in homes. They share their struggles. They post in pajamas. This makes them feel authentic and relatable. Many kids see them as people they could actually be friends with.

3. The algorithm strengthens the attachment.
The more kids watch, like, and comment, the more those creators show up in their feeds. This constant presence creates a feeling of closeness - even if the creator has no idea who your child is. In psychology it draws on something called the ‘Mere exposure effect’. The more we see someone the more we trust them (provided we liked them in the first place).

4. It’s easier than real-life friendships.
Let’s be honest - real relationships take work. They’re messy and sometimes awkward. Parasocial relationships, on the other hand, feel safe. There’s no risk of rejection, no need to compromise, and no drama (at least on the follower’s side).

Why Does It Matter?

Not all parasocial behavior is harmful. Some kids find comfort, inspiration, or even a sense of belonging through these connections. But there are a few red flags to watch for:

• Confusing influence with expertise - like taking mental health advice from someone with no qualifications.

• Idealizing unrealistic lives or appearances, which can lead to low self-esteem. Especially if the influencer heavily edits or filters their posts.

• Spending more energy on online figures than real-life friendships.

• Feeling emotionally shaken when a creator is "cancelled," changes direction, or shows their flaws.

• Losing a sense of self, especially when a child starts to mimic someone else too closely.

What Can We Do About It?

Delaying social media for our preteens is always a win. It gives our kids space to grow and develop without the dopamine onslaught. But even without social media it is inevitable that our kids will be exposed to this in some way - on Netflix, TV and on their friends’ phones.

1. Acknowledge how real it feels.

Start with curiosity, not criticism. Ask:

“What do you like about them?”
“Do you feel like you know them?”
This builds trust - and opens the door to deeper conversations.

2. Talk about what’s real and what’s edited.

Help kids understand that what they’re seeing is a version of someone’s life. Everyone shares the highlights. Try saying:

“They probably have rough days too. We just don’t always see them.”

3. Build media literacy together.

Ask questions like:

“Who’s paying them to say this?”
“What do you think they’re trying to get you to feel or do?”
This helps kids think critically instead of just consuming content.

4. Support real-world relationships.

If your child is investing heavily in parasocial connections (or are generally online a lot) it might be a signal that something’s missing offline. Focus on helping them build or strengthen friendships, join activities, or reconnect with family.

5. Watch together when you can.

This really isn’t about surveillance - it’s about staying connected. Watching their favourite content with them gives you insight, language, and moments to talk about values, choices, and identity.

Parasocial relationships are part of growing up in the digital age. They’re not all bad - but without guidance, they can pull kids into confusion, comparison, or disconnection.

The goal isn’t to shame or shut it down. It’s to help our kids understand these relationships for what they are - and come back to who they are in the process.

Want to learn more about the online world and how you can open up family discussion on this?

Sign up here for early interest in my family course launching later this year! It will be a game changer when it comes to helping our preteens stay safe, wise, and connected - even in this crazy tech world.